Observer

Artificial intelligence is coming for us. If we're lucky.

The bishop of Rome seems like a decent sort and he has a knack for upsetting the dictator of Washington, D.C., so he must be doing something right. But I’m not so sure about his recent 43,000-word post on the subject of artificial intelligence.

The man in white seems somewhat skeptical of the whole enterprise. That’s fine, but I have to disagree. The good news is that I intend to present the case in favor of AI in far fewer than 43,000 words.

In fact, I will sum up my counter-argument by citing just two words: Actual stupidity. We are surrounded by it. We are governed by it. Il Duce Donald is bombing countries, imposing tariffs and ordering the arrest of innocent people based on stupid information supplied by stupid Cabinet secretaries who are cheered on by stupid people who watch a stupid cable news network.

But actual stupidity is not limited to the highest reaches of the United States government, although the brain-challenged people who populate the half-destroyed White House certainly are the best examples of AS.

Why, just the other day I was approaching a busy intersection when I noticed a rather intimidating black pickup truck whose operator seemed rather intent on making a left turn, never mind the parade of vehicles blocking his path. His patience quickly ran out and he proceeded into the intersection with a look in his eye that I last saw on a child in a bumper car ride at the Jersey Shore. The result was predictable enough. The giant pickup truck plowed into a small sedan.

My first thought, of course, was that this accident was all Joe Biden’s fault. Isn’t everything? The man allowed 150 million people into the country without papers. He personally performed several dozen gender reassignment surgeries and then signed up his patients for girls’ basketball teams. He did nothing when the stock market dropped to negative five thousand. And where was he when heavy snowstorms paralyzed the East Coast?

I mean, it’s enough to drive the operators of large pickup trucks mad. No wonder this guy took out his frustrations on a small Japanese-made car that very likely was driven by a puny liberal who very likely thinks it’s good to drive fuel-efficient autos. Heck, the little car driver probably had solar panels on his roof. Can you blame any actually stupid person for behaving in such a manner?

But then, as if by divine providence, a great truth was revealed to me. The accident I witnessed would not have happened if AI had been operating that pickup truck rather than a driver suffering from AS. The future trillionaires who have invested other people’s money in AI certainly would not do so if they thought their technology was stupid enough to propel a pickup truck into a busy intersection.

This observation led me to consider other instances in which artificial intelligence might have spared us the consequences of actual stupidity. Imagine if somebody at the Pentagon decided to ask an AI tool what might happen if, say, the United States and Israel decided to bomb Iran into the stone age? Presumably the tool would have provided a better answer than the one Whiskey Pete provided Il Duce Donald, the gist of which was, “The Iranians would never close the Strait of Hormuz.” Actual stupidity.

And what if AI had been asked what might happen if the United States decided to unilaterally impose tariffs generally and especially on nations whose leaders have refused to offer Il Duce Donald large amounts of grift and graft? Presumably any AI tool worth its environmentally catastrophic servers would point out that tariffs, especially when imposed at the whim of a doddering old fool, would lead to higher prices and perhaps even a trade war.

But AI wasn’t asked that question. Instead, actual stupidity drove the push to place tariffs on goods Il Duce Donald will never have to pay for himself. And so farmers in the Midwest are beginning to pine for the good old days of the Dust Bowl and underemployed people in the industrial heartland are wondering what happened to the manufacturing resurgence that the president promised.

I’m sorry, Holiness, but I’m afraid I have to part company with you on the AI issue. If you ever return to your native land -- and some of us hope that you will -- please spend some time watching the actual stupidity of rush hour on Michigan Avenue in your old hometown. You might see where and how AI could help us live better lives.

But if you can’t get back here, just tune into Il Duce Donald’s next press conference. It might temper your views on the magnificence of humanity.

Well, of one human anyway. But you already know that, being intelligent yourself.