Observer

Ivanka's Island Paradise

When word broke that the First Couple of Grifting, Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump, had purchased an island, I decided it was time to revise my view that without their reprobate fathers, she would be hawking cheap jewelry on the Home Shopping Network and he would be a moderately successful middle manager at a small real estate office in New Jersey.

But this purchase of an island -- oh, I thought it was genius. I admit this was generous and even broad-minded of me, as I am not accustomed to being generous towards any of the two-bit hucksters who have taken possession of the people’s government and turned it into a cash machine for themselves.

But how could a reasonable person deny the couple’s admirable foresight? Think of it: Ivanka and Jared, playing the long game by purchasing an island in anticipation of all the family reunions that will take place there, and all the friends and business partners who will one day reside there.

Then, alas, I found out that the island in question was not, in fact, Rikers Island. So much for foresight.

My illusions were shattered when some demented algorithm on one of the few social media platforms I inhabit forwarded me a video in which Ivanka spoke glowingly of an island she had discovered while swimming. She said she simply had to have it. Oh, how it called to her! Oh, how it moved her! Oh, how it spoke to her very soul!

A press release accompanying Ivanka’s discovery announced that the island would soon become a Mediterranean paradise for those who are into things like Mediterranean paradises, devoid of the sort of hayseeds who spend $600 on non-existent Trump phones. Once again I found myself confused. I cannot claim to be an expert in the geography of the Mediterranean, but I suspected that most of the sea’s islands – Sicily, Sardinia and Cyprus come to mind – were discovered quite some time ago. Then again, I know nothing of Ivanka’s swimming capabilities, so, returning to my generous mood, I decided that perhaps she did indeed engage in some marathon swim in the Mediterranean and soon found herself on an island she wished to call her own.

But then came more details about the couple’s impending purchase. The island, it turns out, is off the coast of Albania. Again, I confess that I have never taken a swim in the Mediterranean area so my awareness of that part of the world is not what it should be. But last time I checked one of those old-fashioned maps of the world that used to be in the homes of reasonably educated people, the bodies of water off the coast of Albania are, in fact, the Adriatic Sea and the Ionian Sea.

Ivanka probably thought it would sound better if she said she discovered a Mediterranean paradise because, well, the phrase “Albanian paradise in either the Adriatic or the Ionian Seas” would take some getting used to. The folks who have resculpted their faces to please Ivanka’s father on the patio of Mar-a-Lago would be less than enthusiastic about flying off to Albania, perhaps because they believe it is the capital of New York State, home to so many undesirables.

The people of Albania have been making it clear that they are not so keen on having Ivanka and Jared as neighbors, not to mention the kind of riff-raff they propose to bring along. So Ivanka’s dream of owning an island may not come to pass after all.

I still think their instincts are right: As they plot out their future, they really should be thinking of some island getaway, if only because when justice is restored to the United States, there might well be reason to get away.

As luck would have it, history suggests the perfect place, an island that is indeed in the Mediterranean. The only question is whether Elba is big enough to hold all of those who will require accommodations.