Observer

An Un-American Olympics (Except for the Shooting Part)

I turned on the Olympic Games the other day and heard a woman’s voice shouting about some matter whose urgency escaped me. I naturally assumed that somehow the attorney general of the United States had intruded on the proceedings and was berating competitors with insults her staff had written for her, presumably in crayon.

But no, I was wrong. I simply had tuned into a curling match.

Curling is a very intimate sport played in front of relatively sedate crowds, so television viewers can hear the competitors’ very loud and often frenzied commands as they slide their polished rocks along the ice. I have no idea what they’re shouting about – or even what the competition is about - but there’s no doubt they are extremely good at whatever it is they do. If only the same could be said of the nation’s chief law enforcement officer.

I’ve expended a fair amount of my limited brain power over the years trying to discern what would lead millions of Americans to watch this quadrennial spectacle of sporting events that generally do not involve violence, bloodshed, car crashes, excessive exhibitionism or even bad behavior. I’ve yet to reach a conclusion. The whole thing seems downright un-American, except perhaps for the biathlon, where competitors lug a rifle over their shoulders and are required to shoot at targets periodically while skiing cross-country.

Any competition involving the display and discharge of long guns would indeed be in keeping with modern American values. It must be noted, however, that the targets used in the Olympic competition are inanimate objects, not human beings. Perhaps His Royal Flatulence will demand that the International Olympic Committee provide several dozen of “the worst of the worst” to serve as targets in future Games. If nothing else, it would allow any ICE agents deployed for security purposes to sneak in a little practice on the side.

Admittedly, there’s a bit of a problem in describing the biathlon as somehow intrinsically American. If you’re watching the Games, you may have noticed that commentators invariably refer to the competitors in this event as “biathletes.” This kind of verbiage sounds suspiciously woke, something you might hear at a DEI training session. It’s surely just a matter of time before the orange man in the demolished White House issues a post-midnight executive order banning biathletes from competing in interscholastic sports.

And then there’s the two-person luge, or more specifically, the two-man luge. If ever there were a sporting event that would seem to violate several Biblical injunctions, not to mention the sensibilities of the wealthy faux preachers who regularly offer spiritual guidance to the orange man in the demolished White House, the two-man luge surely is it.

Rumors abound that several members of Congress are preparing to sue NBC for displaying graphic and morally corrupting images of the two-man luge – after, that is, they finish filing their complaints against CBS for airing lewd Spanish lyrics during the Super Bowl halftime show. This actual complaint was raised not long after members of Congress fumed that the halftime lyrics would not be comprehended by speakers of God’s own language, American English.

Yes, friends, it does seem like the sporting world has turned against American values. You can’t help but notice that many of the assembled athletes at the Winter Games identify as bilingual, accept their defeats with grace and dignity, and most maddening of all, show no signs of anxiety about their health care coverage as they hurtle down mountains at speeds unattainable on most American highways. No wonder J.D. Vance can hardly contain his loathing for foreigners, especially wimpy Europeans who simply do not understand how the fear of losing health insurance after a botched ski jump helps to build character.

As the Games near their conclusion, it seems safe to say that their very existence is at odds with current American policy. The Winter Games, after all, require an actual winter and all that comes with it – ice, snow and cold temperatures. But as the orange man in the demolished White House made clear recently, it is now official American policy to wipe out winter by bombarding the atmosphere with unregulated made-in-the-USA pollution. The fossil fuel industry and the foul-air emitters on Fox News celebrated the abrupt end of various EPA regulations as a Trumpian triumph of historic proportions, rivaling that of the previous week’s Trumpian triumph of historic proportions, whatever it was.

It is said that His Royal Flatulence has demanded a gold medal for deregulation from the International Olympic Committee. If one is not forthcoming quickly, he said, he will withdraw his threat to invade Greenland.

He will melt it instead.

Shameless plug: Given Tuesday’s news about CBS and Stephen Colbert, newcomers to this newsletter might be interested in last week’s offering, which features references not only to CBS but also to linguini in squid ink. Don’t ask. Just read “The Toast of Trumpland.”